Kyle Broslofski, Gamer

[Scene: Inside Kyle's room. Kyle is booting up a computer. He puts a CD in the drive, and Mrs. Broslofski peeks in the door.]

Mrs. Broslofski: Kyle, bubbe, your friends are at the door!

[Kyle gets up, goes to the door.]

Kyle: Hey, guys!
Stan: Hey, Kyle.
Cartman: Why'd you call us over here, Kyle?
Kyle: I wanted to show you this sweet new game I got! (he leads the other three to his room)
Stan: What's it called?
Kyle: Creatures.
Stan: What's it about?
Kyle: These furry little animals called Norns, they're really cute! You have to raise them and breed them.
Kenny: Mmmhpmrmpmh? Mmphmrphmmrmpmh! (Breed them? This is my kind of game!)
Kyle:(ignoring Kenny and starting up the game) Look, here's one I hatched.
I didn't name him yet, but I already taught him language and stuff! Stan: Wow! Cool!

[They watch as the little Norn onscreen says 'push food', then wanders into the garden. First thing he does, he picks up a carrot and eats it, then picks up a honeypot.]

Kyle: Ah, dammit! I forgot to take the honey away from him! (tries in vain to get the honeypot away from the Norn, who is slurping away at it happily) Stan: Dude, what's wrong with letting them eat honey?
Kyle: It's basically junk food. I'm trying to get him to eat healthy stuff!
Stan: What's it mean when the jar's on its side like that?
Kyle: It means it's empty. Now maybe he'll leave it alone.

[The Norn on the screen repeats 'push food' and picks up a piece of cheese, eating it.]

Stan: Damn, this Norn eats like Cartman!
Cartman: AY!
Kyle: Yeah! I think I'll name him Cartman, hee hee.
Cartman: Ay, you ain't naming no ugly little furball after me! No!
Kyle: Too late, Cartman. Already named him.
Cartman: Weak!
Kyle: You can also import Norns into this game, to widen your gene pool, and save Norns to files.
Stan: Cool! You got any Norns you can import?
Kyle: Yeah, I downloaded a few off the Internet. Let me import them.

[Kyle imports an adult white-haired Norn male and an adult blond Norn female into the world.]

Kyle: This blond one I named Wendy, and this white-haired one over here I named Stan. I imported them earlier, but exported them so I could hatch that Norn right there. (points to Cartman-Norn)
Stan: Sweet, you named a Norn after me?
Kyle: Yep.

[The boys hear a loud "kissssssss....POP" from the speakers.]

Stan: Dude, what was _that_?
Kyle: That was Stan-Norn and Wendy-Norn making sweet love!
Kenny: Mmphmrm, mmhpmprhmphmmm? Mmopphm mhrpmhmmphmmrm, mmrphmprmphmrmmmphm? (What, just a kiss-pop? Nothing visual, nothing passionate?)
Kyle: This is, like, a G-rated game, Kenny. Cyberlife couldn't put any _real_ sex in it.
Kenny: Mmphmrmphm. (That sucks.)
Stan: Dude, what's Cyberlife?
Kyle: They're the people that made this game. They're already working on the sequel to it, which is supposed to be way better!
Kenny: Mmmhprmpprpmh? (With real sex?)
Kyle: I don't think so.
Kenny: Mmphmr! (Damn!)
Stan: Hey, what's that weird thing there that the Norn's playing with?
Kyle: That's a flib-er-tee-jib-et. It's a toy.
Stan: Oh.

[Kyle continues playing with the game and explaining various things. Then the word 'EGG' appears on the status bar.]

Stan: Egg?
Kyle: SWEET! Wendy musta gotten pregnant!
Stan:(looking confused) Huh?
Kyle: Norns lay eggs, Stan. That's how they give birth. When Stan-Norn and Wendy-Norn kisspopped, Wendy-Norn must've gotten pregnant! (he double-clicks on the 'EGG' notice)
Stan: Dude, that's a tiny egg!
Kyle: Yeah, it was just laid. The eggs get bigger, believe me. We gotta wait for it to grow.

[They wait, and the egg grows to where you can see a silhouette moving inside it. Kyle picks up the egg and takes it to the incubator. The egg hatches after a little while in the incubator, and a cute kid with a mohawk and striped arms comes out.]

Stan: Cool!
Cartman: That thing's ugly!
Stan: No it's not, Cartman, it's cute!
Cartman: It's an ugly little hairball!
Kenny: Mmphm, mmphmrmh...mpmhptmmmnppmnhmmpphmpm, heh heh. (Nah, it's cute...but it'd be cuter if it was female, heh heh.)
Kyle: Kenny, sometimes I worry about you.
Kenny:(shrugs) Mmphmrmrphm, M'm m mmpphmpmpprmhmmmmrmpm. (What can I say, I'm a dirty little bastard.)
Stan:(looking at his watch) Whoa dude, I gotta get home! It's dinnertime!
Cartman: Yeah, I better leave too.
Kenny: Mmphrmrmmmrphm... (I probably should go too...)
Kyle: Okay, bye you guys.

[Stan, Cartman, and Kenny leave, and Kyle gets re-absorbed in the game.]
[Scene switches to at the bus stop. A dark-haired girl jumps out from behind a tree and grins insanely at Kenny.]

Liza: Remember me, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm. (No.)
Liza: You will...soon! HA HA HA HA HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (runs off)
Stan: Uh, okay.

[Scene switches to the scamps (minus Kyle) at Kyle's door. Stan knocks, and Kyle answers with a pathetic look on his face.]

Stan: Hey du--
Kyle:(plaintively) Cartman-Norn died.
Cartman: WHAT?
Kyle: Yeah, he ate the Deathcap Mushroom.
Cartman: Sonofabitch! You shoulda named him Kenny, it's not _my_ job to die!

[Kenny whacks Cartman.]

Cartman: OWW!
Kyle:(a little more cheerful) But the good news is, Wendy-Norn's second egg is about to hatch!
Stan: Cool!

[Kyle goes into his room, the others follow, staring at the screen and waiting for the egg to hatch. There is a small cracking sound, and then a piteous whimper is heard.]

Stan: Hey, what happened?
Kyle: Oh my God, noooo! It's a _stillborn!_

[Kyle starts sniffling and wiping his eyes...not quite crying, but close to it. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman exchange bewildered looks.]

Stan: Uh, Kyle? Are you, um, okay?
Kyle: The ****in' Norn was _dead at birth_, and you can ask if I'm okay?
Stan: Is that a no?
Kyle: Yep. (continues sniffling)
Kenny: Mmmph, Mplm, mphmprmppmmmhprm. (Damn, Kyle, it's just a Norn.)
Kyle: DON'T SAY IT'S 'JUST' A NORN!

[Kenny backs up a couple paces, surprised. He, Stan, and Cartman quietly excuse themselves from the room.]

Stan: I don't think Kyle is gonna be safe to be around for a while.

[Scene: Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are standing at the bus stop a few days later.]

Cartman: Where the hell is Kyle?
Stan: I dunno, maybe he's occupied with his Norns.
Kenny: Mmpmrpmhmrmmmmphm. (Maybe he's trying to **** one.)
Stan: _Sick_, dude!

[Kenny shrugs]

Cartman: Maybe we should go check on him...see if we need to commit him again.

[They laugh, and head to Kyle's house. Stan knocks, and Mrs. Broslofski answers.]

Mrs. Broslofski: Hello there, boys.
Stan: Hi. We were wondering where Kyle is.
Mrs. Broslofski: He's playing with his game.
Stan, Cartman, & Kenny: Uh-oh.
Mrs. Broslofski: You can come on in and talk to him, if you'd like.
Stan: Uh, okay.

[They head for Kyle's room. Kyle is obviously immersed in the game. There are taped-up pictures of many different Norns all over Kyle's desk. A Norn doll sits one one side of the desk, and a box for the Life Kit #1 is also on the desk.]

Stan: Hi Ky--

[Kyle jumps down from his chair and starts talking really really fast]

Kyle: I started a Wolfling run last night and there were two baby Norns born but three other Norns were dead by this morning (pause for breath) and I named one baby Kenny and he's a real little traveler I was watching him today he ate the Deathcap _three times_ but survived (pause for breath) I think he's gotta be my favorite Norn so far oh and by the way he and this other Norn beat the crap out of the Grendel it was soooooo sweet-- Stan: DUDE, calm DOWN!

[Kyle stops talking, and breathes deeply.]

Stan: Dude, you are seriously addicted to this game.
Kyle: Yeh, I know. But it's so cool!
Stan: Well, take a break from it...soon...please?
Kyle:(shrugs) Okay.
Stan: Thank you!
Kyle: Hey, you guys want something to eat?

[The other boys shake their heads...yes, even Cartman. Kyle shrugs.]

Kyle: Well, I'm gonna go get something to eat. Get yes food!

[Kyle puts his hands to his chin and tiptoes to the kitchen. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny stare after him strangely.]

Stan: This is really ****ed up right here.

[Kyle comes back with some carrots dipped in honey, and a glass of lemonade.]

Stan: Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah?
Stan: Seek help.

[Kyle blinks.]

Kyle: Huh?
Stan: You're dangerously addicted, dude. You need help.
Kyle: Uh, sure, whatever.

[He returns to the computer. Stan motions for Kenny and Cartman to follow him, and leaves the house.]

Stan: We need to do something, dude. This is not good.
Cartman: Maybe he'll get over it after a while.
Stan: Let's hope.

[They wander off. Liza jumps from behind a tree.]

Liza: I'm baaaaaack!

[Liza shoots Kenny up a few rounds.]

Stan: Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
Cartman: You wussy girl bastard!

[Rats come up and drag Kenny's corpse away.]
[Scene switches to cartman and Stan at Kyle's door. Stan knocks (again), and Ike answers.]

Stan: Uh, hi Ike. Where's Kyle?
Ike: Kyle in he bedwoom.
Stan: Uh, okay. C'mon Cartman, let's check on him.

[They go into Kyle's room. The Norn pictures are gone, the Creatures and Life Kit boxes are stacked on a shelf somewhere, and the Norn doll is nowhere in sight.]

Stan: Hi, Kyle.

[Kyle doesn't hear.]

Stan:(louder) Hi, Kyle.

[Kyle still doesn't hear.]

Cartman: He said, 'HI, KYLE!'

[Kyle jumps and turns to look at Stan and Cartman.]

Kyle: Oh, hey dudes.
Stan: What happened to Creatures?
Kyle: Oh, that. I found an even cooler game! (hands Stan a software box)

[Stan reads the box. It says "MYST" on the front.]

Stan: Uh-oh....

[end]
[credits]